“A person who is nice to you, but is rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.” --Dave Barry
It was a little thing. It was not a little thing. Years ago, just days after Christmas, when my nieces were still young, their handwritten notes of thanks would always show up in my mailbox.
“Dear Uncle John, Thank you so much for the books. I love them. It was also good to see you on Christmas. Love, Caroline”
I think the thing that most touched my heart in those youthful missives, beyond the earnest scrawl of kids just learning to write, was the thought behind the note. The thoughtfulness behind the note. The fact that the girls, yes, no doubt strongly encouraged by their Mom, took the time to be thankful, to be kind and to be polite.
Politeness is the kind of human virtue some of us might be tempted to brush off as mere behavioral window dressing, nice but not crucial in life. Or we might imagine that politeness is about Emily Post’s book of etiquette and what fork we’re supposed to use for the salad. Or we might even excuse our own occasional rudeness because: well, we’re so darn busy! In these post-COVID days, in our rush back into life, who has the time…to write a thank you note or hold the door for the person behind you at the grocery store or give up your seat to a person in need on the T or say, “Thank you” to the clerk who serves you your coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts?!
Well, I should. You, too.
I hope we all have the time and the commitment to be polite. Politeness is the glue that holds together all human relationships, especially between strangers. Politeness is a recognition that the world is made up of many more people than just “me’, that much of the time community needs are more important than individual needs. Politeness is like a cold drink of water on a hot day: it soothes, it meets our thirst for human decency, and it teaches us that any act of kindness makes this world a better place. Politeness is love in a way, showing others that we care.
I’ve had politeness (or rather a lack of politeness) on my heart lately because of the seeming outbreak of rudeness and mean-spiritedness on the part of so many folks in our world right now. Folks screaming at flight attendants if reminded to wear a mask. Diners rudely berating a waiter or waitress because the food took so long to arrive at the table. Drivers once again hunkered down on the highways, driving rudely and recklessly, as if participating in Death Race 2021!
The numbers bear this out. Take rudeness in what are supposed to be the friendly skies. According to research by Allianz, a global corporate insurance company, in a typical year in the United States, there are often no more than 150 reports of serious onboard disruption [or air rage]. In 2021, that number had already reached 3,000 by June of this year, including 2,300 incidents involving passengers who refused to comply with the federal mandate to wear a mask while traveling.
I’m not sure why such boorishness is blooming so widely right now. Maybe we all forgot how to be nice in public after all those months cooped up in private. Maybe we are still recovering from an Oval Office occupant who regularly berated people in public, shamed his “enemies” with tyrannical tweets, and used language more befitting a thug than a statesman. When any person with such power and influence is rude, it gives seeming permission for everyone to be unkind. Wonder why our civic discourse is so crude and nasty?
The part of such rudeness that most vexes and saddens me is the personal fallout, the damage it inflicts on the one receiving such thoughtlessness. The restaurant servers who are just trying their best and watching out for our safety while also wearing their mask. It’s not their fault for staff shortages and long lines. Flight attendants who already have a hard job, now forced to referee drunk and obnoxious passengers. They too are just doing their profession, being professional in the best sense.
Rudeness always hurts. Rudeness is most often shown by the more powerful upon someone they see as “less than”. Rudeness views the other, not as a child of God or a neighbor, but instead as an “it”, an object to be scorned. Rudeness puts your own wants above and beyond anyone else’s needs. Rudeness is just plain wrong.
One of the gifts of all faith traditions is that we are actually taught that it is our moral and ethical duty to love one another. That we are to treat others as we want to be treated. Do we always get that right? Absolutely not and yet: that’s the hope, and not just for religious believers, but for everyone. What would life be like if in every social interaction, we simply thought of the other person, and of their feelings and of their humanity, first?
To be polite. To live by, “Thank you. Please. How can I help you? No, you go first: I can wait. I really appreciate what you did for me.” Simple and easy acts of kindness to live by, oh so important. We are all in this life together, so let’s make it a polite and kind and loving journey.
And don’t forget to write that thank you note.
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