--Pete Townsend, “My Generation”
William Shakespeare called it “the undiscovered
country”. Jesus warned his followers
that no one knows when it will come, neither the time nor the place, and to
believe otherwise was folly. “The Who”
defiantly sang about it, as twenty something rockers, daring it to just take
them before they all got too old.
Death.
There, I said it. Got the word and the concept right out
there. Death. I hope you’ll keep reading.
The cliché is that it is impolite socially to talk about politics, sex and
religion. I’d add death to this taboo trinity. The end of life. The great
equalizer, along with birth. The moment
every last human being experiences at some point. No denying it. No negotiating
it away. Mortals all are we who face mortality.
I get why death is not the stuff of every day
conversation. It’s sad, the thought of
us, others, no longer living on this side of the grass. It’s scary.
What comes next? Folks of faith
trust the comfort of an afterlife—I know I do—but still we resist talking about
death. We push away talk of death because it is morbid. Because it makes us
feel uncomfortable. Because in our youth obsessed world we work so hard to push
it away.
Not everyone is so reluctant to talk about death. In this
month’s issue of The Atlantic magazine, one writer declares exactly just
when he wants to die: at 75 years of age. Not before. Not after. The writer, 57 year old Ezekiel J. Emanuel,
is director of the Clinical Bioethics Department at the U.S. National
Institutes of Health and heads the Department of Medical Ethics & Health
Policy at the University
of Pennsylvania.
In “Why I Hope to Die at 75”, Emanuel writes, “I am sure of
my position. Doubtless, death is a loss….But here is a simple truth that many
of us seem to resist: living too long is also a loss. It renders many of us, if
not disabled, then faltering and declining…robs us of our creativity and
ability to contribute…It transforms how people experience us, relate to us,
and, most important, remember us. We are no longer remembered as vibrant and
engaged but as feeble, ineffectual, even pathetic.”
If Emanuel was trying to provoke a response about the end of
human life, he certainly did so. Some critics worried he advocates suicide—he
does not. Some were offended by his unsympathetic stereotyped description of people
in their mid seventies and beyond. I think of all the vital and amazing post 75
year old folks I know—including my own 100 year old grandfather---and I blanch
at Emanuel’s generalizations. Some were upset because he dared to even talk
about his own death in such a stark and honest way.
First: read the article and draw your own conclusions. And if
Emanuel’s essay moves us to just think more about the end of life, he does a
good thing. Not so much in his provocative opinions but in his prodding us as a
culture to be much more intentional in planning for, being thoughtful about,
and most important, talking directly to our loved ones, about our deaths,
before our deaths.
I speak as one who has been in the death and dying business
for twenty five years, as a clergyman. I
am the one who is invited to be bed side when a family member is in their last
days or hours. The one who gathers folks
in a circle to pray. The one who sits in uncomfortable waiting
rooms…waiting. For death.
Such moments are often profound, poignant, even beautiful. Yet such moments can also be marked by
confusion, questions and anguish. “What would Mom want us to do?” “What were Grandpa’s last wishes?” “How did he want to die?” We ask because no one ever talked about death. No health care proxy was designated. Who
makes the decisions? No orders were
given by the family to “do not resuscitate” and so the patient is given heroic
measures which result in gut wrenching, sometimes unnecessary medical
procedures. Then a good life can lead to a not so good death.
Doesn’t have to be so.
Not at all. Instead, we can talk
about death with courage and clarity.
Talk about death while we still have life. Talk about death and see these intimate conversations
as a gift to those we love, wise preparation, and a compassionate legacy. Talk about death before circumstances beyond
our power take hold. Talk about death so when that time comes—and it will—we’ll
do the best we can with God and our loved ones, to live well and to die well.
Unlike “The Who” and Emanuel, I don’t hope I die before I
get old. But I do want to talk about it.
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